Getting Maelee Home

On September 29th we got word that her heart was still functioning poorly and we would continue blood pressure medication until she stabilized....they had no idea the problem or when this would happen. They were sending labs for every infection or problem you could think of, many were things I had never heard of or had read briefly about in nursing school.
Over the weekend of October 1st and 2nd we sat by her beside for hours. We only left to sleep and eat! We kept hoping some lab or test result would return and tell us what was wrong so we could fix the problem. No such luck.
On Monday October 3rd we celebrated Maelee being one month old!!! We were so excited and so sad at the same time. We thought she would be home with us by her one month celebration, we thought the pictures would be of her in our house but instead here we sat in the NICU but we were thankful she was a month old and that she was doing so well!!! So we celebrated the whole day with her! :) I bought her a pretty outfit and hair bow to take pictures in and we took tons of them! Maelee was moved over the the Neonatal Progressive Care Unit......a step down unit of the NICU. They didn't know what was wrong but felt it wasn't life threatening at this point.

One month old!!!

Tuesday rolled around and no results yet.....this was driving me crazy. They had repeated the echo on her heart and her function had improved some while she was on her medication. She started off needing the blood pressure medicine every 6 hours and now she only needed it every 8-12 hours. We knew that something bigger was happening. No one knew what was wrong yet she was getting better....
Over the next few days the results of a few tests came back and let us know she didn't have some crazy virus.
On Sunday the 9th we were given great news....Maelee had been medication free for 2 days! I couldn't believe it and was so excited! They gave us hope that we may bring her home soon.....we just didn't know how soon it would be!
Monday the 10th turned into preparation day. All her tests came back and only one was of concern; Her renal labs that were taken that show the effects of the hormones that increase blood pressure in children was elevated.....but now her blood pressure was normal again. The nephrologist was stumped but felt we could be followed outpatient, her blood pressure was normal and the calcification hadn't moved at all.
As the 10th continued we got the best news in the world....Maelee would be going home on the 11th. I remember begin so excited and scared at the same time. This wasn't the first time anyone had told me I could take my baby home! This wasn't the first time we got things ready at home or brought our car seat in.
We left the hospital around 7 pm on the 10th and I just felt so sick to my stomach. We still didn't know what the problem was but we knew that she was doing great and would be coming home.

October 11th is a day I will remember forever! We arrived to find out her repeat echo (I requested they do a rescan to make sure we didn't need cardiology to follow us also) was showing her heart function was almost back to normal!! Nephrology stopped by to let us know we would be doing outpatient blood pressure checks, following her stone/calcification, and redoing labs periodically.
As we waited to hear the best news in the world we packed up Maelee's things, dressed her for the day, and snuggled her as much as we could. After our first experience I felt that loving on her was more important than anything else (the fear of them transferring her or telling me we had to leave her there was haunting me).
Around 10:30 am we were discharged, paperwork was complete, and Daddy was headed to get the car!!! I can't explain the emotion that day. It was more overwhelming than anything I had ever experienced and looking back it was weeks before I realized she was home for good. The nurse pushed a cart with all her things and on top was Maelee in her car seat! She was in the car seat!!!!
Lee pulled up and the emotions just hit me! I cried so hard when they placed her in the car and then I just stared at her all the way home. I rode in the back seat so she wouldn't be alone, for 39 days she had people around her all the time. And in this moment I wanted to surround her with my love.

39 days in the NICU and a lifetime to spend at home! Our sweet little peanut was home! We knew her road would not be easy but we knew she was made of something special. God has a plan for Maelee and it started with her birth and then her being healed......God has a plan for Maelee, a plan bigger than anything I can dream for her!

Loving this Holiday Season

I haven't been able to write much this week. Poor Maelee has her first ear infection and we have been snuggling the week away!
I need to continue writing about Maelee's NICU experience but not tonight. Tonight I want to write about the holidays! :)

With Christmas right around the corner I can't help but find myself beyond excited for her first Christmas. I know that she won't know what is happening or why we are taking tons of pictures (not like that is a new thing) but it is such a big deal to have her here with us!! We have finished shopping for Maelee and she has so many new toys waiting on her. We decided to buy for 6 months plus since most the toys she has know are for under 6 months.
Lee and I are so thankful our gift came to us in September this year. Having a sweet miracle to love and hold is gift enough for us!! And we are so thankful to spend this Christmas with our little one.
We won't be going to family gatherings, won't be flying to see my family, nor will we be attending church this year....but this year we will be enjoying each other in our home. We will be starting our family traditions and sharing some we already started with our daughter. This year we will be celebrating the birth of Jesus from our home and with that celebrating our gift from God.
Next year we will be able to fly to Minnesota to see my family, spend time with Lee's family, attend church, and share our miracle with the world. We look forward to all those memories that will be made and can't wait to share her with the world. But this year we will be celebrating as a family of 3 and the 3 fur babies.....so our family of 6!

Going Anywhere but Home

On the night of September 27th we left the NICU at Gaston Memorial and we were thrilled that when we woke it would be the day Maelee would come home.....or so we thought. The nurse practitioner called around 10pm and wanted to let us know they would be doing an ultrasound of Maelee's kidneys in the morning of the 28th. Her blood pressure was elevated and had been going up slowly over the past few days.....she said that she was really not worried and that everything should be fine.
When we woke up on the 28th I was thrilled!!! Today we would bring our sweet baby home! We arrived at the NICU around 9 am and knew it would be a waiting game until she was discharged. She had already passed her car seat test (they test preemie babies to make sure they are stable in the car seat for 90 minutes), passed her hearing screen, and all we were waiting on was the ultrasound. When the doctor came in for morning rounds he had a concern that her blood pressure was even more elevated and wanted to do an echo (ultrasound) on her heart.......but he said he wasn't really concerned.
Well as the morning went on they continued to take Maelee's blood pressure and it seemed high to me.....I was starting to get a "bad" feeling. I tried to ignore it since I knew there was no way something bad would happen....we were going HOME with her today. The ultrasound and echo were done in the morning and then the waiting for results began. Around 12 we fed Maelee and then we decided to take our last family nap in the NICU. We sang and tucked her in. Lee took his place in the recliner and I laid down on the couch........next thing we knew we were surrounded by NICU staff.
Maelee's doctor, our nurse for the day, and the nurse manager were in our room waking us up. I knew in my heart that bad feeling I had was about to come true. I knew that something was wrong. I don't remember much from the conversation. I heard that her heart wasn't pumping well and her blood pressure was now dangerously high, I heard that her ultrasound didn't help in solving the issue due to Maelee being gassy (she was always gassy), and most of all I heard she was being transferred by ambulance in 30 minutes to Levine's in Charlotte.......CHARLOTTE!!! It can't be! We were going home, we were going to be a complete family at home, we were going to celebrate! But instead we were now transferring our baby and I was scared to death.
I cried....uncontrollably cried for a few minutes. The nurse manager held my hand as I just stared and cried. Lee was scared, I was scared, and poor Maelee had no idea that the only people and world she knew was about to change.
I took a moment and went to the restroom to calm myself down the best I could. When I returned to her room there were no words between Lee and I...what do you say. The next 30 minutes were a whirlwind. I fed Maelee and I never wanted to let her go. I rocked her, snuggled her, and loved on her.
Our safety zone we had grown to accept and love was being ripped from us. Instead of being stressed about having a baby at home we were now stressed and worried for our little girls life and heart. Her heart was never a problem, it was her lungs not her heart we had worried about before.
The transport team arrived with what is called a baby pod. Maelee did not need an incubator since she was able to maintain her own temperature. But let me tell you the baby pod looked like a coffin to me, a plastic clear coffin! They asked us tons of questions, took her vitals, made new bracelets, and then told me it was time.
I will never forget being asked if I wanted to place her in the baby pod. I had done many things and seen many things before this day but I couldn't. I was suppose to be placing her in a carseat not a clear plastic coffin! I had to hand my baby over to a stranger! The transport team was wonderful and gave me the extra time I needed but handing her over was the worst feeling in the world. I realized in that moment that her world would be shook again. She would have all new nurses, all new doctors, a new bed, new room (or curtain area as we would find out), she would not be in her "home" or the only place she knew as home. I realized in that moment that we were being challenged again.
As I followed the baby pod and transport team down the hallway we walked past the room of a friend. Someone who I looked forward to seeing daily, someone who's baby was born the day before Maelee, and I was stricken with more sadness. The people you meet in the NICU become your family; they know what you are experiencing, they know the challenge, and you see them all day every day. I knew that we would be in a strange place with no one there who knew us. I couldn't believe this was happening.
I got on the elevator to leave the NICU with the transport team and Maelee when one of the sweetest nurses got on and just held me. She held me so tight I could barely breath but in that moment it was exactly what I needed. I knew that she cared, I knew they all cared about my baby and with that caring would come worry.
I watched as they loaded Maelee into the back of the ambulance and I was escorted to the front. I don't remember much of that ambulance ride; I was in shock. Lee followed behind us in our car....with our empty car seat again. This car seat was beginning to haunt us! Would we ever be able to put our baby in it!?!?!
We arrived at Levine's and I followed the transporters and Maelee down long hall after long hall until we arrived on the neonatal floor. I was overwhelmed and felt lost. Lee was parking our car and would have to meet me afterwards. Once he arrived on the floor all the rules were explained to us and we realized we would not get to see Maelee until after 7:30 pm. Shift change was from 6:30-7:30 in the morning and night and no one was allowed back by their baby during this time for privacy reasons.
We waited for what felt like forever for Maelee's doctor to come meet us in the waiting room. She explained to us they didn't know what was wrong but her echo done of her heart showed heart failure. They were repeating the test and the renal ultrasound to try and figure out what was happening. Our daughter would be started on medication to control her blood pressure as needed. And we would have to wait to find out what was wrong.
Lee and I went back to see her at 7:30 pm and it felt like the first time all over again. She was in a radiant warmer bed, hooked up to more monitors, and in her own curtain area.

 At Gaston we had our own room and now Maelee was one of 75 babies in this big room with curtains. I missed Gaston already!
We spent the night sitting at her bedside; feeding her, rocking her, and loving on her. We tried to sleep for 2 hours in the waiting room which wasn't a success. We refused to leave until we knew the plan, not the answer but the plan. I knew that the answer was not something that would happen easily.
The morning came and with the doctors waiting on tests we knew that getting a shower and packing a few things would be all we could do. Leaving the hospital that morning was the worst feeling yet. I thought I had felt the worst heartbreak before but it was nothing like this. My daughter was with strangers and there was nothing I could do for her. I felt helpless once again.

3 Months!!

Today Maelee is 3 months old! I can't even believe that much time has passed! I woke up today feeling so excited!
3 months ago I delivered the most precious baby girl! And yes our road has been bumpy and not the "norm" but it has been the best 3 months of my life. :)

Over the past week we have found ourselves more excited as each day goes on. Maelee has now begun to follow toys when we move them, tummy time has gotten better, and she is starting to smile more in response as opposed to sporadically! All of these are milestones, there are so many of them she has met and then there are things she hasn't done yet. But soon she will- she is doing so great!
I have so many things I want to write about; more stories from Maelee's NICU stay and things that have happened since we have been home. But today I just want to celebrate her in this moment. I can't forget what has happened but when writing my blog many emotions come back to me....and the only emotion I want to feel today is happiness!

We celebrate our little peanut! All she has accomplished, how much she has grown, and how much we have learned from her! There is no love in the world that can touch the love one has for their baby!

Happy 3 Months to Our Sweet Little Peanut! :) 

Breastfeeding, Bottle feeding and everything in between

When I was pregnant I really wanted to be able to breastfeed my child. This was something I felt very strongly about and knew all the wonderful benefits of it.  I couldn't wait to give her the nutrition she needed and be able to have a wonderful bond with her.
The night of the 3rd I knew I wouldn't be able to feed her for a little while so I began to pump, and pump, and pump (and if you know me I am still a pumping machine!). Every drop mattered and counted. We would bring my collection over to the NICU each time we visited and hoped she would be able to get some of it soon- even if just for mouth care or on her pacifier.
Maelee had a feeding tube from birth, mainly used for medication in the beginning and then progressed to small feedings. Babies do not develop their suck reflex fully until 36-37 weeks gestation....so Maelee missed this important learning curve inside me. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I just knew she would breastfeed......I just knew it.
On the 12th I was given the ok to start trying.....every time she got a feeding through the tube I would try and latch her on. Big failure! She just screamed and shut down. Why work for food when it comes through the tube- no work involved at all! I was determined that no matter how long this took we would figure it out. The doctors and nurses kept telling me that the light would turn on and to just wait for it.
Waiting got harder and harder. She was not 36 weeks until the week of the 18th so I was just praying she would get it sooner.
By the 16th I was exhausted and emotionally stressed by trying. I felt like a failure.....I couldn't keep my baby inside me, I couldn't take care of her and meet her needs, and most of all I couldn't even feed her. What a crappy feeling. So on the 16th after many tears shed to the doctor and nurse who were so supportive of whatever my choice was; I gave into giving her a bottle.....something I immediately regretted but later would see God's plan in this.
She drank from the bottle.....not well and not for long. Her latch was awful and we had to keep moving the nipple around almost to teach her how to eat. Something I never imagined we would have to do- babies are suppose to just be born doing this. But not our baby she was a preemie.

As the weeks continued she continued to eat from the bottle and we still attempted breastfeeding with no success. Her "light" did turn on around the 23rd or 24th....she would finally take her whole feeding from the bottle, not at every feeding but most of them.
Maelee was able to have her feeding tube removed on the 26th. This day is another one we won't forget!!! The first time we really got to see her tube free!!!! TUBE FREE!!!!! Our little girl was getting so strong and we were so thankful!!!

On the 26th we also began ad lib feeding. This means that Maelee was allowed to eat when she wanted to and eat what she wanted to. She remained on her 3 hour eating schedule and did wonderful. We knew that as long as she continued to eat and gain weight we were on our way home......
We got the go ahead on the 27th to plan for her discharge on the 28th- I WAS SOOOOO EXCITED!! I began to clean my house from top to bottom, run a million errands, buy things we needed, and pack her room up (almost a month in the NICU you start to move in!).
The night of the 27th we went to bed hopeful and excited....but the 28th of September was the second hardest day of our lives right behind her birth. This day changed me, challenged me, and grew my faith even more. The 28th was not the end of the NICU for us but the beginning of a whole new NICU experience.
I would see over the next few weeks that my decision to offer my breast milk from a bottle was something I chose for a reason....a reason God knew long before us.

Clothes!!

Dressing your child is something you want to do right away. Especially a little girl! I couldn't wait to put all her cute clothes on her when she was born, and she has a lot of them (many she hasn't even worn yet and I play dress up all the time now).

On September 10th they were going to move her to a "regular" bassinet. This one had a hole for her oxygen tube to go through since she was still on oxygen at this point (until the 11th). With moving her we could finally witness her bath and she could be dressed. DRESSED!!!! I was so excited and Lee was over joyed. He had gone to Babies-R-Us on Friday and picked up a very cute nightgown for her to wear- of course preemie size.
They brought in her scale and weighed her for the evening (this was a daily thing) and then we were ready.  I couldn't wait to put her outfit on her.When they moved out the warmer bed and brought in the bassinet I could't believe all the room we had now. I couldn't believe my sweet baby was growing up and getting strong right before my eyes. That night was amazing.
We dressed her in her outfit that Daddy bought her and of course took tons of pictures! Then I was given the most amazing news ever.....we could hold her when we wanted to (with a few exceptions and not to over stimulate her)! I could walk in her room and hold her- YAY!!!

I knew we were on the road to going home! I just never knew how long that road would still be. In order to leave the NICU a baby has to be stable, feeding, and growing. No one tells you the feeding part will take so much time and work. I believe this whole experience really showed us patience and an appreciation we wouldn't have had.

Kangaroo Care

My posts may seem out of order and I apologize for this. I wake up each day and whatever I'm thinking about I write about. Today I woke up and thought about how much Maelee has grown from the first time I held her. I can't believe that she is getting so big, it's truly amazing to watch her grow each day.

The first time I held Maelee was on 9/7/11, a day I will never forget. For many days I had watched her, touched her, and even gotten to change her diaper but all that I wanted to do was kiss and hold her. We spent each day in the NICU and this would be the last day Lee would be there for the week (he had to return to work so he could have time off when she came home) so we were enjoying each second with our daughter.
The respiratory therapist and nurse had come in to check on her and asked me the questions I had waited so long to hear, "Do you want to hold her?"! YES YES YES!!! OF COURSE I DO! I was so excited that I can't explain the joy that overcame me. I was going to hold my daughter for the first time since she was born!
Kangaroo care is something that is done to promote bonding, help with breastfeeding, regulate temperature, helps with babies heart rate, but the only thing I cared about in this moment was my baby would get to hear my heart beating again. Something that was taken way to soon from her.....and that I would get to feel her against my skin, something I was longing for.
When doing kangaroo care with a baby who has medical needs and many tubes it's something that is done for an extended period of time. It takes many care providers to set you up and you must stay that way- this was explained to me ahead of time and the only thing I could say was you will have to take her from me I am not giving her back! So after a trip to the bathroom and many wonderful nurses to help us out  we were on our way to snuggling.
The moment Maelee was laid on my chest I began to cry....it was the moment I had missed during her birth and I couldn't control the emotions. There is no greater feeling than holding your baby for the first time or any time after that!
She had so many little tubes to be careful for. She was still on her bubble c-pap, had an umbilical catheter (where she was getting her nutrition from), heart monitor, oxygen monitor, and a feeding tube. But for those 2 hours (YAY!!!) I didn't see the tubes I just saw my precious daughter in my arms. I kissed her, loved her, snuggled her, rocked her, and most of all I sang to her. The only song that came to my mind was  "This Little Light of Mine", and to this day this is the song that calms her and she loves it.
Handing her back that day was hard but I was so excited till the next time. Being in the environment and situation we were in, where I couldn't just pick her up really helped us realize and be thankful for each moment we were able to hold her. I will never take for granted snuggling and holding my baby, I will never get annoyed no matter how tired she is, I will love each and every snuggle, kiss, frustrated moment she may have as long as they are in my arms- I will never let go!

I was able to hold her again the next day for 3 hours while Lee was at work, this was the shortest 3 hours of my life and I never wanted them to end. The evening of the 8th I was asked again if I wanted to Kangaroo with Maelee and although I loved it and would snuggle her for hours I knew that Lee needed to snuggle her. Lee was very scared, she was still small and had tons of wires but I knew this was the best thing for him (her bubble c-pap had been removed and she was on oxygen so I knew this would help him). So the nurses set Lee up and they placed Maelee on his bare chest, an amazing moment I know he will never forget.

Those moments will stick with us forever. No matter how sick she was, no matter the tubes and wires, she was our daughter and we were blessed with a miracle! We loved her from the moment we conceived her and each day it grew and grew and now I can't imagine our life without her. She is truly our little miracle!

Sharing with the World!

Having a baby is one of the most joyous occasions that can happen in someones life. I had always dreamed of having our baby and sharing her with the world....unfortunately our world is very small and consists of our home.
When we were in the hospital it was hard to have visitors since they couldn't see the baby and no one really knew what to say. Many people called, wrote, and left messages and we were so blessed to have everyone care so much. It was hard to celebrate her life when we were limited visitors and didn't have a baby to show everyone. This is why we began posting so many pictures on Facebook- sharing her this way helped us know that everyone who loved her would get to see her grow.
Now that we are home I want to share her with everyone, I want to shout from the rooftop that she is home and doing so well........but we can't. We can't have lots of visitors, we can't bring her to church, no professional photos during the holiday season, can't take her christmas shopping, can't go to family gatherings, can't....can't...can't.
I found myself getting sad over all the things we can't do until one day I realized that I am doing the best thing for my baby. Many people do not understand being a preemie parent, especially during the first RSV season. I feel like my nursing degree has come in handy: when you visit our home you get a health screen and a lesson on hand washing! :) I know that many do not understand the strict rules and many have said we are being "overprotective". One of the best things I have heard so far is, "She will have to get sick sometime". Very true, she will get sick at some point but I am going to do my best to prevent it.
Maelee was born with breathing problems and underdeveloped lungs. If she were to get RSV we may end back up in the hospital.....a very scary thought!

So for today and until the spring we are sharing her on the internet with our friends, family, and even strangers who love her already! We are blessed to be able to do this and so thankful that we have taken thousands of pictures of her to commemorate every day of her precious life! We count down until we can do things outside our home like her baptism, birthday parties, family holidays, and even travel to see my family (they are in Minnesota). But with our counting down the days we are celebrating each and every day with our Sweet Peanut!

Leaving my baby....

I was discharged from my room on September 6th around lunch time. This is a moment that will stick with me forever- I couldn't believe I had to leave the hospital with no baby. NO BABY! Who in their right mind could be ok with that? When you have a child you know that it won't be easy but you can't wait to leave as a family.

This day it was Lee and I leaving the hospital.....alone! On our trip down stairs to put things in the car and for me to run to the gift shop to rent a breast pump (I would need this since Maelee was not able to eat yet) we were crammed into the elevator with 3 other people. Of course the cart was full of gifts, flowers, our things, and an EMPTY car seat; as empty as it could be. But one man in the elevator asked us about our baby without realizing no one was in the car seat; he told us congratulations and looked for the baby. When he saw nothing I just cried and cried! Emotions are something I knew I couldn't control especially in this situation. 

After Lee delivered all the things to the car and breast pump was rented we headed back to my room to finish discharge. We had already spent the morning at bedside with Maelee and knew that it would be a few hours before we were back- we had to take care of the animals and pick up my prescription.  I couldn't even wrap my mind around what was about to happen.

The nurse had me sign papers, she made a call, and there was a wheelchair in my room......being pushed down that long hall, pass the NICU, and to the car was beyond sad. I cried the whole way to the car, the whole way home, and then when I arrived home it just got worse.

I gathered my things and walked into my house to find a bassinet in the living room. Having a c-section this was going to help me be able to be near her if we had gotten to bring her home.......I began to cry uncontrollably and all I can remember is falling to the floor and Lee carrying the bassinet upstairs as quick as possible. 

In the weeks to come I never imagined how having baby things in the house would affect me. Many times I sat in her room and cried for hours. It was like I suffered a loss yet she was alive and fighting. She was growing and changing. She just wasn't in our home yet and it killed me inside. 

I knew that God had a plan for our family and we just needed to trust him. This was something that was challenging and didn't come easy. Finding strength when you feel you have nothing left to give is unimaginable. 

We weren't gone for long that day and we were back up to the NICU for the afternoon and evening, but then the emotions hit me all over again when the night time came. Many people made the comment to us, "I could never leave my baby", but to those people I say: Unless you have lived this nightmare don't judge or assume what you would do, many things are out of your control. Leaving my baby was the hardest thing I had done so far but I can look back and realize that there were many hard days ahead and my heart was going to keep breaking each night and every time I had to leave.  

She was being taken care of by the best nurses and doctors but it wasn't me or Lee..........we would have to be strong no matter how we were feeling. Our sweet peanut needed us to be strong each and every day!

Taken before my discharge on 9/6/11.

Amazed

There were many things in that first week of Maelee's life I will never forget. I wrote down all the dates that things happened so I wouldn't forget but I find myself remembering each moment every time I look into her face. I see her now and realize how far she has come, all that she has overcome and conquered.

September 4th, 2011 was such a blur. I was very sedated from the pain medication and the shock of everything that had just occurred in the past 24 hours. I remember seeing Maelee the first time and touching her. I remember all the pain I was in and the long hall I had to walk/ride down just to see her.
When you have a baby you envision they will be in your room, you will be exhausted, and how thankful you will be for the nursery to have her for one hour- I just wanted to see her without having to walk down a hallway, wash my hands for 2 minutes, and then stand in pain. I wanted to see her when I woke and when I was sleepy, I wanted to hold her and kiss her good night but this was not our plan. Our plan was to nurture her and pray for her growth and strength.

On the 4th we were awoken to Maelee's doctor explaining she was still having difficulty breathing...she had been on a bubble c-pap since birth and this was not doing the job. Due to her prematurity her lungs had not developed fully and she needed a little assistance so soon she would be placed on a ventilator. She received her first dose of surfactant (the medication to help develop her lungs) in the morning of the 4th but by September 5th she needed another dose. Watching her breath through a tube was something I never imagined and it broke my heart into a million pieces. When she cried no sound would come out but you could see it on her face. Still being unable to hold her I again felt helpless in such a difficult time.
Changing her diaper!!! Something many parents take for granted......it was something I wanted to do so bad! I got to change her diaper for the first time on September 5th! She was so tiny and even the preemie diapers had to be folded, but for a moment I felt like her Mom.

On the 6th of September her lungs were starting to work better and they got to remove the breathing tube and put her back on the bubble c-pap.

In the evening the respiratory therapist would come by the room to replace some tubing that was not doing it's job. This moment will stick with me forever and I thank God that Lee was there to get it on camera! Until this day I never understood the bond between a mother and child, but this day it was shown to me in the largest way.

I have never been more amazed than in this moment....my voice and touch could calm our sweet peanut!

The next few days we watched and waited to see how her lungs would develop and if they would work enough to support her body. She remained on the bubble c-pap until September 8th and was then placed on oxygen until the 11th. 

We stood by and watched in amazement that something so tiny and helpless could put up a fight for her life. Each day was long and hard but looking back it was something I wouldn't change. I got to really appreciate the little things about being a Mom, the little things in life that make it truly worth it. 

One moment changed me forever

I knew that being a parent would change me; I just never knew how much. I finally got to lay my hands on my daughter around 3 am on September 4, 2011. This was a moment I waited my whole pregnancy for, I couldn't wait to see and love on her. But when I arrived at the NICU in my wheelchair, still recovering from the c-section and in terrible pain I realized that I would not get to hold my daughter or kiss on her. This moment changed me forever; being a parent I was suppose to protect her and keep her safe, I was suppose to hold her and snuggle her....but instead I was stuck in the wheelchair and could only put my hand on her. I have never felt so helpless and like a failure in my whole life. I couldn't keep her safe inside me and I couldn't protect her out in the big world.....what was I good for?!

After a few minutes of crying and feeling like a failure I decided to learn from this experience and remember what God had given me. A beautiful daughter, our miracle!

The day Maelee was born- September 3rd, 2011

At 9:35 am my water broke; not just a trickle but something like you see in the movies!! I stood in the bathroom for a minute and then yelled for Lee and explained to him my water broke....he appeared in the door way with a red hand towel (like that would be big enough to clean up the mess!).  I took a deep breath and realized that today our daughter would be born early, 7 weeks early!!
I began to get a little stressed not realizing exactly what that meant in that moment. I gathered a few things to bring to the hospital- we had not found time to pack our bags yet figuring we had at least 5 more weeks.
Trying to stay calm we called the doctor to let them know we were on our way, packed a few things, and made sure the animals were taken care of.
Pulling out of the driveway was very emotional, I couldn't believe that today we would become parents. And then I realized we forgot my jug of urine; there is no way that 24 hours of collecting would go to waste! We pulled back into the house and Lee grabbed the jug- back on the road again.
When we arrived at the hospital we pulled into where we were taught in birthing class and this wonderful man at the reception desk pushed my wheelchair to OB triage while Lee parked the car.
I was so thankful I had pre-registered the week before and didn't have to answer a million questions. Once they heard I was only 33 weeks and my water was broken, I was hooked up to a monitor within minutes.
Lee arrived upstairs and handed over the jug.....at last it was out of our possession. :)
Once we were in the triage room and situated Lee began to make phone calls. He called his sister and left a voicemail and his mother. My parents were called later when we knew exactly what the plan was.

By 10:30 am the doctor had been in the room and declared we would be having a baby today....well duh! My blood pressure was now 155/100 and they finally realized that I had pre-eclampsia. Thankful to have an answer just wished it didn't have to end like this so soon. After a quick ultrasound she determined Maelee was still breech (with my uterus shape she had always been breech and had no way to turn) and we would be having a c-section. Since this was part of my birth plan from the beginning of pregnancy the surgery did not worry me. I watched one in nursing school so I knew what to expect. We were scheduled for a 1:30 surgery.....now the nerves were setting in.

My sister in law arrived at the hospital around 11:30 or so and relieved Lee so he could make some more phone calls and run home to pack a few more things. Around noon we were moved to our room and Lee returned around 12:30 pm.
I had kept my feelings to myself this day. I knew that having a baby at 33 weeks was not ideal and that we would probably have a few unexpected issues. I felt in my heart that our baby would not be returning to my room with me. But talking about this would not change the situation so in return I kept quiet and just tried to relax.
Once Lee returned to the room with all our things and the babies things. My emotions started to run wild but I kept as calm as can be. I knew that letting him in on what may happen would only stress him out and I just couldn't handle that. He and his sister began to unpack the baby things we had packed ( the only bag that was packed was the diaper bag), they were so excited to get it all ready for me and I was grateful just very worried that my fears would come true; that I would return to this room with no baby and all the baby things out and ready.
Once 1:30 pm passed and no c-section yet I was starting to get annoyed....my contractions had started and were not too comfortable. This was not part of my birth plan, I had planned to have a c-section no contractions....but of course this couldn't work out for me either.
They started antibiotics on my around 2 pm and we were on the schedule for 4 pm.......It seemed like forever until they came to get me. I was now feeling more worried and stressed; I wanted to keep her inside me. I knew she would be safe as long as she didn't have to come out so early, just a few more weeks and they could have her.

I got my spinal anesthesia and Lee came into the delivery room.  Maelee was born at 4:34 pm! She weighed 5 lbs 1 ounce and 18 3/4 inches long. When they delivered her it took forever for her to cry and I will never forget when they brought her over to me. She was all wrapped up and had bubbles coming out of her mouth. She was beautiful but I knew in my heart something was wrong. The NICU staff took her away and I sent Lee with her.
I laid in that operating room and all I can remember is crying uncontrollably...the next few hours were a blur and thankfully so. Lee brought me pictures....pictures I cherish and love but pictures you never want to see after the birth of your child. So many tubes and wires on her little tiny body.
Our lives had changed in a blink of an eye and now she was fighting for her life. The next time I would see Maelee was at 3 am on September 4th. Almost 12 hours later........

The days leading up to September 3rd...

Pregnancy was something I always dreamed of. I couldn't wait to be pregnant, feel the baby move, and eat whatever I wanted. But when I found out we were expecting it was overshadowed by many fears and doubts.
I was in my last semester of nursing school, something that was a challenge in itself. I had always wanted a child and had dreamed of how it would be. But sitting in the doctors office in the beginning of February hearing about all the bad things that could happen scared me to death.
I have what is called a bicornuate uterus aka heart shaped uterus. Our sweet baby would only have about half the space of a normal pregnancy.  The risks associated with this was miscarriage, second trimester miscarriage, and preterm labor.  I knew the risks and we were ready to take whatever God had in store for us.
After 28 weeks came and went we thought that everything was going to be perfect. I had spent my whole pregnancy worrying and finally decided to enjoy what was left........which I figured would be at least 10 more weeks. I had been having high blood pressure and swelling since about 24 weeks but the doctor never seemed concerned and kept putting me on modified bed rest. Being a Nurse I knew that it was probably something worse than a little hiccup in the pregnancy but I just wanted to be "normal".
When I reached 30 weeks it all started to go downhill, my blood pressure was elevated daily and my poor body was swollen all the time. I knew that pregnant people swelled but this was insane, there was no way my feet or legs would ever look the same again.
I had at least 2 appointments each week where the doctor kept saying things were fine......at 32 weeks I began to really worry. I was so swollen my face hurt and my blood pressure was so high that I knew I needed someone to listen. We had an ultrasound done to check on the baby and all was well with our sweet girl, what a relief! But now I was on modified bed rest again...for the 4th time.
On September 2nd (33 weeks) I had made an appointment and demanded that I get tested for pre-eclampsia.....I knew this meant urinating in a jug for 24 hours and I was ready. So off I went with my jug, found some great movies and made a home on the couch.
I started collecting my urine at 9:30 am on Friday, September 2nd and on Saturday, September 3rd at 9:30 I was done. I felt accomplished and thankful that I would have answers. I headed upstairs to get ready for the day and take a shower......but at 9:35 am our world began to change......