When we woke up on the 28th I was thrilled!!! Today we would bring our sweet baby home! We arrived at the NICU around 9 am and knew it would be a waiting game until she was discharged. She had already passed her car seat test (they test preemie babies to make sure they are stable in the car seat for 90 minutes), passed her hearing screen, and all we were waiting on was the ultrasound. When the doctor came in for morning rounds he had a concern that her blood pressure was even more elevated and wanted to do an echo (ultrasound) on her heart.......but he said he wasn't really concerned.
Well as the morning went on they continued to take Maelee's blood pressure and it seemed high to me.....I was starting to get a "bad" feeling. I tried to ignore it since I knew there was no way something bad would happen....we were going HOME with her today. The ultrasound and echo were done in the morning and then the waiting for results began. Around 12 we fed Maelee and then we decided to take our last family nap in the NICU. We sang and tucked her in. Lee took his place in the recliner and I laid down on the couch........next thing we knew we were surrounded by NICU staff.
Maelee's doctor, our nurse for the day, and the nurse manager were in our room waking us up. I knew in my heart that bad feeling I had was about to come true. I knew that something was wrong. I don't remember much from the conversation. I heard that her heart wasn't pumping well and her blood pressure was now dangerously high, I heard that her ultrasound didn't help in solving the issue due to Maelee being gassy (she was always gassy), and most of all I heard she was being transferred by ambulance in 30 minutes to Levine's in Charlotte.......CHARLOTTE!!! It can't be! We were going home, we were going to be a complete family at home, we were going to celebrate! But instead we were now transferring our baby and I was scared to death.
I cried....uncontrollably cried for a few minutes. The nurse manager held my hand as I just stared and cried. Lee was scared, I was scared, and poor Maelee had no idea that the only people and world she knew was about to change.
I took a moment and went to the restroom to calm myself down the best I could. When I returned to her room there were no words between Lee and I...what do you say. The next 30 minutes were a whirlwind. I fed Maelee and I never wanted to let her go. I rocked her, snuggled her, and loved on her.
Our safety zone we had grown to accept and love was being ripped from us. Instead of being stressed about having a baby at home we were now stressed and worried for our little girls life and heart. Her heart was never a problem, it was her lungs not her heart we had worried about before.
The transport team arrived with what is called a baby pod. Maelee did not need an incubator since she was able to maintain her own temperature. But let me tell you the baby pod looked like a coffin to me, a plastic clear coffin! They asked us tons of questions, took her vitals, made new bracelets, and then told me it was time.
I will never forget being asked if I wanted to place her in the baby pod. I had done many things and seen many things before this day but I couldn't. I was suppose to be placing her in a carseat not a clear plastic coffin! I had to hand my baby over to a stranger! The transport team was wonderful and gave me the extra time I needed but handing her over was the worst feeling in the world. I realized in that moment that her world would be shook again. She would have all new nurses, all new doctors, a new bed, new room (or curtain area as we would find out), she would not be in her "home" or the only place she knew as home. I realized in that moment that we were being challenged again.
As I followed the baby pod and transport team down the hallway we walked past the room of a friend. Someone who I looked forward to seeing daily, someone who's baby was born the day before Maelee, and I was stricken with more sadness. The people you meet in the NICU become your family; they know what you are experiencing, they know the challenge, and you see them all day every day. I knew that we would be in a strange place with no one there who knew us. I couldn't believe this was happening.
I got on the elevator to leave the NICU with the transport team and Maelee when one of the sweetest nurses got on and just held me. She held me so tight I could barely breath but in that moment it was exactly what I needed. I knew that she cared, I knew they all cared about my baby and with that caring would come worry.
I watched as they loaded Maelee into the back of the ambulance and I was escorted to the front. I don't remember much of that ambulance ride; I was in shock. Lee followed behind us in our car....with our empty car seat again. This car seat was beginning to haunt us! Would we ever be able to put our baby in it!?!?!
We arrived at Levine's and I followed the transporters and Maelee down long hall after long hall until we arrived on the neonatal floor. I was overwhelmed and felt lost. Lee was parking our car and would have to meet me afterwards. Once he arrived on the floor all the rules were explained to us and we realized we would not get to see Maelee until after 7:30 pm. Shift change was from 6:30-7:30 in the morning and night and no one was allowed back by their baby during this time for privacy reasons.
We waited for what felt like forever for Maelee's doctor to come meet us in the waiting room. She explained to us they didn't know what was wrong but her echo done of her heart showed heart failure. They were repeating the test and the renal ultrasound to try and figure out what was happening. Our daughter would be started on medication to control her blood pressure as needed. And we would have to wait to find out what was wrong.
Lee and I went back to see her at 7:30 pm and it felt like the first time all over again. She was in a radiant warmer bed, hooked up to more monitors, and in her own curtain area.
At Gaston we had our own room and now Maelee was one of 75 babies in this big room with curtains. I missed Gaston already!
We spent the night sitting at her bedside; feeding her, rocking her, and loving on her. We tried to sleep for 2 hours in the waiting room which wasn't a success. We refused to leave until we knew the plan, not the answer but the plan. I knew that the answer was not something that would happen easily.
The morning came and with the doctors waiting on tests we knew that getting a shower and packing a few things would be all we could do. Leaving the hospital that morning was the worst feeling yet. I thought I had felt the worst heartbreak before but it was nothing like this. My daughter was with strangers and there was nothing I could do for her. I felt helpless once again.
No comments:
Post a Comment