This day it was Lee and I leaving the hospital.....alone! On our trip down stairs to put things in the car and for me to run to the gift shop to rent a breast pump (I would need this since Maelee was not able to eat yet) we were crammed into the elevator with 3 other people. Of course the cart was full of gifts, flowers, our things, and an EMPTY car seat; as empty as it could be. But one man in the elevator asked us about our baby without realizing no one was in the car seat; he told us congratulations and looked for the baby. When he saw nothing I just cried and cried! Emotions are something I knew I couldn't control especially in this situation.
After Lee delivered all the things to the car and breast pump was rented we headed back to my room to finish discharge. We had already spent the morning at bedside with Maelee and knew that it would be a few hours before we were back- we had to take care of the animals and pick up my prescription. I couldn't even wrap my mind around what was about to happen.
The nurse had me sign papers, she made a call, and there was a wheelchair in my room......being pushed down that long hall, pass the NICU, and to the car was beyond sad. I cried the whole way to the car, the whole way home, and then when I arrived home it just got worse.
I gathered my things and walked into my house to find a bassinet in the living room. Having a c-section this was going to help me be able to be near her if we had gotten to bring her home.......I began to cry uncontrollably and all I can remember is falling to the floor and Lee carrying the bassinet upstairs as quick as possible.
In the weeks to come I never imagined how having baby things in the house would affect me. Many times I sat in her room and cried for hours. It was like I suffered a loss yet she was alive and fighting. She was growing and changing. She just wasn't in our home yet and it killed me inside.
I knew that God had a plan for our family and we just needed to trust him. This was something that was challenging and didn't come easy. Finding strength when you feel you have nothing left to give is unimaginable.
We weren't gone for long that day and we were back up to the NICU for the afternoon and evening, but then the emotions hit me all over again when the night time came. Many people made the comment to us, "I could never leave my baby", but to those people I say: Unless you have lived this nightmare don't judge or assume what you would do, many things are out of your control. Leaving my baby was the hardest thing I had done so far but I can look back and realize that there were many hard days ahead and my heart was going to keep breaking each night and every time I had to leave.
She was being taken care of by the best nurses and doctors but it wasn't me or Lee..........we would have to be strong no matter how we were feeling. Our sweet peanut needed us to be strong each and every day!
Taken before my discharge on 9/6/11.
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