Only some will understand.....

One year ago I was on modified bed rest, swollen, and so thankful that our ultrasound showed Maelee growing! We had just found out that she was growing perfect and had room to grow more which meant there would be no need to take her early....... If only we could have predicted the future.

I have started planning Maelee's birthday celebration. We will be doing something small at home with a few close friends and family. Over the past few days I have found myself feeling more emotional than I thought I would be. The sadness of her turning one is there and that is something I expected but what I really feel is so much more than that. Many will not understand this post and I'm sure the comments of be thankful for what you have.....be happy for how far Maelee has come....etc. will follow. But the way I am feeling is something I am sure is not uncommon to the fellow preemie mother.

I feel sad, anxious, nervous, happy, and excited. When I think of the day Maelee was born I don't think of the happy thoughts many Mother's do. I don't think of the first time I held Maelee, touched her, the first time she breastfed, or even when I kissed her. But instead I think of the fear, heartache, terror, I think of the wait it took to hear her cry, the 2 seconds I saw her tiny face when she could barely breath, how I never got to hold her, never got to touch her, never got to even put my hand on her. I think of how we arrived back in a room with no baby and no clue what would happen.

Maelee's birthday is a celebration of her life. She was born and I am forever thankful for how far she has come. I don't want anyone to think I am not grateful for that. But one day of celebration doesn't do our little girl justice. I instead want to celebrate the day I got to touch my sweet girl, kiss her adorable cheeks, hold her to my chest, feed her, dress her, change her diaper, all the ounces she gained, the way her heart started working well on it's own, and every momentous occasion in the NICU! One day is not enough to celebrate all these wonderful things.

Then there is October 11th! The day Maelee came home! This is a day we will forever celebrate! Then October 16th. Her due date or in our world her adjusted birthday! Every milestone, smile, laugh, PT/OT goal met, every new thing is something we celebrate and we just can't wrap that up in one day or a few hours.

I will throw a party, put on a smile, I may cry not only for my little girl growing up but also for what we didn't have the year before, but I know that we will continue to celebrate for so many days and years to come! Maelee is so special and I am so blessed to be reminded of that daily.  So if you see me crying please be compassionate to our situation and know that I LOVE Maelee more than you will ever know and that the tears come from loss and heartache not from the excitement of such a beautiful human being!