I'm Sorry.

"I'm Sorry." Those words ring in my ear like nails on a chalkboard after last week. I keep thinking about them over and over and wondering what was meant by that exact statement. Did she feel sorry for me, pity me, or just have no clue what to say? There had to have been something better to say....or nothing at all would have worked.

When we were in the NICU many people said they were sorry to us. They were sorry we were going through such a hard time, they were sorry our baby was born early, they were sorry we couldn't bring Maelee home, they were just plain sorry. But at the time it didn't really bother me. I had so many emotions that I never stopped to think about it. This past week I was at my doctors appointment giving a family health history and when it came time to give the history of my child......that's when it went all went wrong.

Of course when I said I have a daughter the nurse responded with, "You have one daughter who is under a year so she must be healthy and happy and have no health problems." Ummmm not exactly lady! So I let her know that Maelee has mild CP. And then the words I'm sorry came out of her mouth in a very hush manner with a long pause. Now keep in mind that this was a neurology appointment for me. So when she heard CP I'm sure she was thinking something and I'm sure she was sorry.......but for what I'm not sure.

I'm not sorry for Maelee. I'm not sorry she was born prematurely. I'm not sorry she has CP. I'm not sorry she has sensory regulating problems. I'm not sorry that she is unique in so many ways.

I am however sorry that this lady didn't get to meet my miracle. I'm sorry that she doesn't know the smile I see every day, the laugh that lights up my life, and the sweet babbles that fill my home. I'm sorry she didn't get to see the little girl who loves with all she has and has more life in her than we could ever hope for. I am sorry that that she didn't get to meet the angel who changed my life. I am sorry she doesn't know Maelee.

The words I'm sorry are powerful. They are just as powerful as the words I love you. Maelee is my I love you everyday and for that I am not sorry!