I'm Sorry.

"I'm Sorry." Those words ring in my ear like nails on a chalkboard after last week. I keep thinking about them over and over and wondering what was meant by that exact statement. Did she feel sorry for me, pity me, or just have no clue what to say? There had to have been something better to say....or nothing at all would have worked.

When we were in the NICU many people said they were sorry to us. They were sorry we were going through such a hard time, they were sorry our baby was born early, they were sorry we couldn't bring Maelee home, they were just plain sorry. But at the time it didn't really bother me. I had so many emotions that I never stopped to think about it. This past week I was at my doctors appointment giving a family health history and when it came time to give the history of my child......that's when it went all went wrong.

Of course when I said I have a daughter the nurse responded with, "You have one daughter who is under a year so she must be healthy and happy and have no health problems." Ummmm not exactly lady! So I let her know that Maelee has mild CP. And then the words I'm sorry came out of her mouth in a very hush manner with a long pause. Now keep in mind that this was a neurology appointment for me. So when she heard CP I'm sure she was thinking something and I'm sure she was sorry.......but for what I'm not sure.

I'm not sorry for Maelee. I'm not sorry she was born prematurely. I'm not sorry she has CP. I'm not sorry she has sensory regulating problems. I'm not sorry that she is unique in so many ways.

I am however sorry that this lady didn't get to meet my miracle. I'm sorry that she doesn't know the smile I see every day, the laugh that lights up my life, and the sweet babbles that fill my home. I'm sorry she didn't get to see the little girl who loves with all she has and has more life in her than we could ever hope for. I am sorry that that she didn't get to meet the angel who changed my life. I am sorry she doesn't know Maelee.

The words I'm sorry are powerful. They are just as powerful as the words I love you. Maelee is my I love you everyday and for that I am not sorry!

Only some will understand.....

One year ago I was on modified bed rest, swollen, and so thankful that our ultrasound showed Maelee growing! We had just found out that she was growing perfect and had room to grow more which meant there would be no need to take her early....... If only we could have predicted the future.

I have started planning Maelee's birthday celebration. We will be doing something small at home with a few close friends and family. Over the past few days I have found myself feeling more emotional than I thought I would be. The sadness of her turning one is there and that is something I expected but what I really feel is so much more than that. Many will not understand this post and I'm sure the comments of be thankful for what you have.....be happy for how far Maelee has come....etc. will follow. But the way I am feeling is something I am sure is not uncommon to the fellow preemie mother.

I feel sad, anxious, nervous, happy, and excited. When I think of the day Maelee was born I don't think of the happy thoughts many Mother's do. I don't think of the first time I held Maelee, touched her, the first time she breastfed, or even when I kissed her. But instead I think of the fear, heartache, terror, I think of the wait it took to hear her cry, the 2 seconds I saw her tiny face when she could barely breath, how I never got to hold her, never got to touch her, never got to even put my hand on her. I think of how we arrived back in a room with no baby and no clue what would happen.

Maelee's birthday is a celebration of her life. She was born and I am forever thankful for how far she has come. I don't want anyone to think I am not grateful for that. But one day of celebration doesn't do our little girl justice. I instead want to celebrate the day I got to touch my sweet girl, kiss her adorable cheeks, hold her to my chest, feed her, dress her, change her diaper, all the ounces she gained, the way her heart started working well on it's own, and every momentous occasion in the NICU! One day is not enough to celebrate all these wonderful things.

Then there is October 11th! The day Maelee came home! This is a day we will forever celebrate! Then October 16th. Her due date or in our world her adjusted birthday! Every milestone, smile, laugh, PT/OT goal met, every new thing is something we celebrate and we just can't wrap that up in one day or a few hours.

I will throw a party, put on a smile, I may cry not only for my little girl growing up but also for what we didn't have the year before, but I know that we will continue to celebrate for so many days and years to come! Maelee is so special and I am so blessed to be reminded of that daily.  So if you see me crying please be compassionate to our situation and know that I LOVE Maelee more than you will ever know and that the tears come from loss and heartache not from the excitement of such a beautiful human being!

CP video I had to share!

Wonderful video I found that describes CP and spreads great awareness for it! Love this video so much!