Having a baby is one of the most joyous occasions that can happen in someones life. I had always dreamed of having our baby and sharing her with the world....unfortunately our world is very small and consists of our home.
When we were in the hospital it was hard to have visitors since they couldn't see the baby and no one really knew what to say. Many people called, wrote, and left messages and we were so blessed to have everyone care so much. It was hard to celebrate her life when we were limited visitors and didn't have a baby to show everyone. This is why we began posting so many pictures on Facebook- sharing her this way helped us know that everyone who loved her would get to see her grow.
Now that we are home I want to share her with everyone, I want to shout from the rooftop that she is home and doing so well........but we can't. We can't have lots of visitors, we can't bring her to church, no professional photos during the holiday season, can't take her christmas shopping, can't go to family gatherings, can't....can't...can't.
I found myself getting sad over all the things we can't do until one day I realized that I am doing the best thing for my baby. Many people do not understand being a preemie parent, especially during the first RSV season. I feel like my nursing degree has come in handy: when you visit our home you get a health screen and a lesson on hand washing! :) I know that many do not understand the strict rules and many have said we are being "overprotective". One of the best things I have heard so far is, "She will have to get sick sometime". Very true, she will get sick at some point but I am going to do my best to prevent it.
Maelee was born with breathing problems and underdeveloped lungs. If she were to get RSV we may end back up in the hospital.....a very scary thought!
So for today and until the spring we are sharing her on the internet with our friends, family, and even strangers who love her already! We are blessed to be able to do this and so thankful that we have taken thousands of pictures of her to commemorate every day of her precious life! We count down until we can do things outside our home like her baptism, birthday parties, family holidays, and even travel to see my family (they are in Minnesota). But with our counting down the days we are celebrating each and every day with our Sweet Peanut!
Life doesn't always go as you have planned, but the ride is what makes it so magical! This is our journey with our 33 week preemie and all the life rides we have taken since leaving the NICU that 39th day.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Leaving my baby....
I was discharged from my room on September 6th around lunch time. This is a moment that will stick with me forever- I couldn't believe I had to leave the hospital with no baby. NO BABY! Who in their right mind could be ok with that? When you have a child you know that it won't be easy but you can't wait to leave as a family.
This day it was Lee and I leaving the hospital.....alone! On our trip down stairs to put things in the car and for me to run to the gift shop to rent a breast pump (I would need this since Maelee was not able to eat yet) we were crammed into the elevator with 3 other people. Of course the cart was full of gifts, flowers, our things, and an EMPTY car seat; as empty as it could be. But one man in the elevator asked us about our baby without realizing no one was in the car seat; he told us congratulations and looked for the baby. When he saw nothing I just cried and cried! Emotions are something I knew I couldn't control especially in this situation.
After Lee delivered all the things to the car and breast pump was rented we headed back to my room to finish discharge. We had already spent the morning at bedside with Maelee and knew that it would be a few hours before we were back- we had to take care of the animals and pick up my prescription. I couldn't even wrap my mind around what was about to happen.
The nurse had me sign papers, she made a call, and there was a wheelchair in my room......being pushed down that long hall, pass the NICU, and to the car was beyond sad. I cried the whole way to the car, the whole way home, and then when I arrived home it just got worse.
I gathered my things and walked into my house to find a bassinet in the living room. Having a c-section this was going to help me be able to be near her if we had gotten to bring her home.......I began to cry uncontrollably and all I can remember is falling to the floor and Lee carrying the bassinet upstairs as quick as possible.
In the weeks to come I never imagined how having baby things in the house would affect me. Many times I sat in her room and cried for hours. It was like I suffered a loss yet she was alive and fighting. She was growing and changing. She just wasn't in our home yet and it killed me inside.
I knew that God had a plan for our family and we just needed to trust him. This was something that was challenging and didn't come easy. Finding strength when you feel you have nothing left to give is unimaginable.
We weren't gone for long that day and we were back up to the NICU for the afternoon and evening, but then the emotions hit me all over again when the night time came. Many people made the comment to us, "I could never leave my baby", but to those people I say: Unless you have lived this nightmare don't judge or assume what you would do, many things are out of your control. Leaving my baby was the hardest thing I had done so far but I can look back and realize that there were many hard days ahead and my heart was going to keep breaking each night and every time I had to leave.
She was being taken care of by the best nurses and doctors but it wasn't me or Lee..........we would have to be strong no matter how we were feeling. Our sweet peanut needed us to be strong each and every day!
Taken before my discharge on 9/6/11.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Amazed
There were many things in that first week of Maelee's life I will never forget. I wrote down all the dates that things happened so I wouldn't forget but I find myself remembering each moment every time I look into her face. I see her now and realize how far she has come, all that she has overcome and conquered.
September 4th, 2011 was such a blur. I was very sedated from the pain medication and the shock of everything that had just occurred in the past 24 hours. I remember seeing Maelee the first time and touching her. I remember all the pain I was in and the long hall I had to walk/ride down just to see her.
When you have a baby you envision they will be in your room, you will be exhausted, and how thankful you will be for the nursery to have her for one hour- I just wanted to see her without having to walk down a hallway, wash my hands for 2 minutes, and then stand in pain. I wanted to see her when I woke and when I was sleepy, I wanted to hold her and kiss her good night but this was not our plan. Our plan was to nurture her and pray for her growth and strength.
On the 4th we were awoken to Maelee's doctor explaining she was still having difficulty breathing...she had been on a bubble c-pap since birth and this was not doing the job. Due to her prematurity her lungs had not developed fully and she needed a little assistance so soon she would be placed on a ventilator. She received her first dose of surfactant (the medication to help develop her lungs) in the morning of the 4th but by September 5th she needed another dose. Watching her breath through a tube was something I never imagined and it broke my heart into a million pieces. When she cried no sound would come out but you could see it on her face. Still being unable to hold her I again felt helpless in such a difficult time.
Changing her diaper!!! Something many parents take for granted......it was something I wanted to do so bad! I got to change her diaper for the first time on September 5th! She was so tiny and even the preemie diapers had to be folded, but for a moment I felt like her Mom.
On the 6th of September her lungs were starting to work better and they got to remove the breathing tube and put her back on the bubble c-pap.
In the evening the respiratory therapist would come by the room to replace some tubing that was not doing it's job. This moment will stick with me forever and I thank God that Lee was there to get it on camera! Until this day I never understood the bond between a mother and child, but this day it was shown to me in the largest way.
September 4th, 2011 was such a blur. I was very sedated from the pain medication and the shock of everything that had just occurred in the past 24 hours. I remember seeing Maelee the first time and touching her. I remember all the pain I was in and the long hall I had to walk/ride down just to see her.
When you have a baby you envision they will be in your room, you will be exhausted, and how thankful you will be for the nursery to have her for one hour- I just wanted to see her without having to walk down a hallway, wash my hands for 2 minutes, and then stand in pain. I wanted to see her when I woke and when I was sleepy, I wanted to hold her and kiss her good night but this was not our plan. Our plan was to nurture her and pray for her growth and strength.
On the 4th we were awoken to Maelee's doctor explaining she was still having difficulty breathing...she had been on a bubble c-pap since birth and this was not doing the job. Due to her prematurity her lungs had not developed fully and she needed a little assistance so soon she would be placed on a ventilator. She received her first dose of surfactant (the medication to help develop her lungs) in the morning of the 4th but by September 5th she needed another dose. Watching her breath through a tube was something I never imagined and it broke my heart into a million pieces. When she cried no sound would come out but you could see it on her face. Still being unable to hold her I again felt helpless in such a difficult time.
Changing her diaper!!! Something many parents take for granted......it was something I wanted to do so bad! I got to change her diaper for the first time on September 5th! She was so tiny and even the preemie diapers had to be folded, but for a moment I felt like her Mom.
On the 6th of September her lungs were starting to work better and they got to remove the breathing tube and put her back on the bubble c-pap.
In the evening the respiratory therapist would come by the room to replace some tubing that was not doing it's job. This moment will stick with me forever and I thank God that Lee was there to get it on camera! Until this day I never understood the bond between a mother and child, but this day it was shown to me in the largest way.
I have never been more amazed than in this moment....my voice and touch could calm our sweet peanut!
The next few days we watched and waited to see how her lungs would develop and if they would work enough to support her body. She remained on the bubble c-pap until September 8th and was then placed on oxygen until the 11th.
We stood by and watched in amazement that something so tiny and helpless could put up a fight for her life. Each day was long and hard but looking back it was something I wouldn't change. I got to really appreciate the little things about being a Mom, the little things in life that make it truly worth it.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
One moment changed me forever
I knew that being a parent would change me; I just never knew how much. I finally got to lay my hands on my daughter around 3 am on September 4, 2011. This was a moment I waited my whole pregnancy for, I couldn't wait to see and love on her. But when I arrived at the NICU in my wheelchair, still recovering from the c-section and in terrible pain I realized that I would not get to hold my daughter or kiss on her. This moment changed me forever; being a parent I was suppose to protect her and keep her safe, I was suppose to hold her and snuggle her....but instead I was stuck in the wheelchair and could only put my hand on her. I have never felt so helpless and like a failure in my whole life. I couldn't keep her safe inside me and I couldn't protect her out in the big world.....what was I good for?!
After a few minutes of crying and feeling like a failure I decided to learn from this experience and remember what God had given me. A beautiful daughter, our miracle!
The day Maelee was born- September 3rd, 2011
At 9:35 am my water broke; not just a trickle but something like you see in the movies!! I stood in the bathroom for a minute and then yelled for Lee and explained to him my water broke....he appeared in the door way with a red hand towel (like that would be big enough to clean up the mess!). I took a deep breath and realized that today our daughter would be born early, 7 weeks early!!
I began to get a little stressed not realizing exactly what that meant in that moment. I gathered a few things to bring to the hospital- we had not found time to pack our bags yet figuring we had at least 5 more weeks.
Trying to stay calm we called the doctor to let them know we were on our way, packed a few things, and made sure the animals were taken care of.
Pulling out of the driveway was very emotional, I couldn't believe that today we would become parents. And then I realized we forgot my jug of urine; there is no way that 24 hours of collecting would go to waste! We pulled back into the house and Lee grabbed the jug- back on the road again.
When we arrived at the hospital we pulled into where we were taught in birthing class and this wonderful man at the reception desk pushed my wheelchair to OB triage while Lee parked the car.
I was so thankful I had pre-registered the week before and didn't have to answer a million questions. Once they heard I was only 33 weeks and my water was broken, I was hooked up to a monitor within minutes.
Lee arrived upstairs and handed over the jug.....at last it was out of our possession. :)
Once we were in the triage room and situated Lee began to make phone calls. He called his sister and left a voicemail and his mother. My parents were called later when we knew exactly what the plan was.
By 10:30 am the doctor had been in the room and declared we would be having a baby today....well duh! My blood pressure was now 155/100 and they finally realized that I had pre-eclampsia. Thankful to have an answer just wished it didn't have to end like this so soon. After a quick ultrasound she determined Maelee was still breech (with my uterus shape she had always been breech and had no way to turn) and we would be having a c-section. Since this was part of my birth plan from the beginning of pregnancy the surgery did not worry me. I watched one in nursing school so I knew what to expect. We were scheduled for a 1:30 surgery.....now the nerves were setting in.
My sister in law arrived at the hospital around 11:30 or so and relieved Lee so he could make some more phone calls and run home to pack a few more things. Around noon we were moved to our room and Lee returned around 12:30 pm.
I had kept my feelings to myself this day. I knew that having a baby at 33 weeks was not ideal and that we would probably have a few unexpected issues. I felt in my heart that our baby would not be returning to my room with me. But talking about this would not change the situation so in return I kept quiet and just tried to relax.
Once Lee returned to the room with all our things and the babies things. My emotions started to run wild but I kept as calm as can be. I knew that letting him in on what may happen would only stress him out and I just couldn't handle that. He and his sister began to unpack the baby things we had packed ( the only bag that was packed was the diaper bag), they were so excited to get it all ready for me and I was grateful just very worried that my fears would come true; that I would return to this room with no baby and all the baby things out and ready.
Once 1:30 pm passed and no c-section yet I was starting to get annoyed....my contractions had started and were not too comfortable. This was not part of my birth plan, I had planned to have a c-section no contractions....but of course this couldn't work out for me either.
They started antibiotics on my around 2 pm and we were on the schedule for 4 pm.......It seemed like forever until they came to get me. I was now feeling more worried and stressed; I wanted to keep her inside me. I knew she would be safe as long as she didn't have to come out so early, just a few more weeks and they could have her.
I got my spinal anesthesia and Lee came into the delivery room. Maelee was born at 4:34 pm! She weighed 5 lbs 1 ounce and 18 3/4 inches long. When they delivered her it took forever for her to cry and I will never forget when they brought her over to me. She was all wrapped up and had bubbles coming out of her mouth. She was beautiful but I knew in my heart something was wrong. The NICU staff took her away and I sent Lee with her.
I laid in that operating room and all I can remember is crying uncontrollably...the next few hours were a blur and thankfully so. Lee brought me pictures....pictures I cherish and love but pictures you never want to see after the birth of your child. So many tubes and wires on her little tiny body.
Our lives had changed in a blink of an eye and now she was fighting for her life. The next time I would see Maelee was at 3 am on September 4th. Almost 12 hours later........
I began to get a little stressed not realizing exactly what that meant in that moment. I gathered a few things to bring to the hospital- we had not found time to pack our bags yet figuring we had at least 5 more weeks.
Trying to stay calm we called the doctor to let them know we were on our way, packed a few things, and made sure the animals were taken care of.
Pulling out of the driveway was very emotional, I couldn't believe that today we would become parents. And then I realized we forgot my jug of urine; there is no way that 24 hours of collecting would go to waste! We pulled back into the house and Lee grabbed the jug- back on the road again.
When we arrived at the hospital we pulled into where we were taught in birthing class and this wonderful man at the reception desk pushed my wheelchair to OB triage while Lee parked the car.
I was so thankful I had pre-registered the week before and didn't have to answer a million questions. Once they heard I was only 33 weeks and my water was broken, I was hooked up to a monitor within minutes.
Lee arrived upstairs and handed over the jug.....at last it was out of our possession. :)
Once we were in the triage room and situated Lee began to make phone calls. He called his sister and left a voicemail and his mother. My parents were called later when we knew exactly what the plan was.
By 10:30 am the doctor had been in the room and declared we would be having a baby today....well duh! My blood pressure was now 155/100 and they finally realized that I had pre-eclampsia. Thankful to have an answer just wished it didn't have to end like this so soon. After a quick ultrasound she determined Maelee was still breech (with my uterus shape she had always been breech and had no way to turn) and we would be having a c-section. Since this was part of my birth plan from the beginning of pregnancy the surgery did not worry me. I watched one in nursing school so I knew what to expect. We were scheduled for a 1:30 surgery.....now the nerves were setting in.
My sister in law arrived at the hospital around 11:30 or so and relieved Lee so he could make some more phone calls and run home to pack a few more things. Around noon we were moved to our room and Lee returned around 12:30 pm.
I had kept my feelings to myself this day. I knew that having a baby at 33 weeks was not ideal and that we would probably have a few unexpected issues. I felt in my heart that our baby would not be returning to my room with me. But talking about this would not change the situation so in return I kept quiet and just tried to relax.
Once Lee returned to the room with all our things and the babies things. My emotions started to run wild but I kept as calm as can be. I knew that letting him in on what may happen would only stress him out and I just couldn't handle that. He and his sister began to unpack the baby things we had packed ( the only bag that was packed was the diaper bag), they were so excited to get it all ready for me and I was grateful just very worried that my fears would come true; that I would return to this room with no baby and all the baby things out and ready.
Once 1:30 pm passed and no c-section yet I was starting to get annoyed....my contractions had started and were not too comfortable. This was not part of my birth plan, I had planned to have a c-section no contractions....but of course this couldn't work out for me either.
They started antibiotics on my around 2 pm and we were on the schedule for 4 pm.......It seemed like forever until they came to get me. I was now feeling more worried and stressed; I wanted to keep her inside me. I knew she would be safe as long as she didn't have to come out so early, just a few more weeks and they could have her.
I got my spinal anesthesia and Lee came into the delivery room. Maelee was born at 4:34 pm! She weighed 5 lbs 1 ounce and 18 3/4 inches long. When they delivered her it took forever for her to cry and I will never forget when they brought her over to me. She was all wrapped up and had bubbles coming out of her mouth. She was beautiful but I knew in my heart something was wrong. The NICU staff took her away and I sent Lee with her.
I laid in that operating room and all I can remember is crying uncontrollably...the next few hours were a blur and thankfully so. Lee brought me pictures....pictures I cherish and love but pictures you never want to see after the birth of your child. So many tubes and wires on her little tiny body.
Our lives had changed in a blink of an eye and now she was fighting for her life. The next time I would see Maelee was at 3 am on September 4th. Almost 12 hours later........
The days leading up to September 3rd...
Pregnancy was something I always dreamed of. I couldn't wait to be pregnant, feel the baby move, and eat whatever I wanted. But when I found out we were expecting it was overshadowed by many fears and doubts.
I was in my last semester of nursing school, something that was a challenge in itself. I had always wanted a child and had dreamed of how it would be. But sitting in the doctors office in the beginning of February hearing about all the bad things that could happen scared me to death.
I have what is called a bicornuate uterus aka heart shaped uterus. Our sweet baby would only have about half the space of a normal pregnancy. The risks associated with this was miscarriage, second trimester miscarriage, and preterm labor. I knew the risks and we were ready to take whatever God had in store for us.
After 28 weeks came and went we thought that everything was going to be perfect. I had spent my whole pregnancy worrying and finally decided to enjoy what was left........which I figured would be at least 10 more weeks. I had been having high blood pressure and swelling since about 24 weeks but the doctor never seemed concerned and kept putting me on modified bed rest. Being a Nurse I knew that it was probably something worse than a little hiccup in the pregnancy but I just wanted to be "normal".
When I reached 30 weeks it all started to go downhill, my blood pressure was elevated daily and my poor body was swollen all the time. I knew that pregnant people swelled but this was insane, there was no way my feet or legs would ever look the same again.
I had at least 2 appointments each week where the doctor kept saying things were fine......at 32 weeks I began to really worry. I was so swollen my face hurt and my blood pressure was so high that I knew I needed someone to listen. We had an ultrasound done to check on the baby and all was well with our sweet girl, what a relief! But now I was on modified bed rest again...for the 4th time.
On September 2nd (33 weeks) I had made an appointment and demanded that I get tested for pre-eclampsia.....I knew this meant urinating in a jug for 24 hours and I was ready. So off I went with my jug, found some great movies and made a home on the couch.
I started collecting my urine at 9:30 am on Friday, September 2nd and on Saturday, September 3rd at 9:30 I was done. I felt accomplished and thankful that I would have answers. I headed upstairs to get ready for the day and take a shower......but at 9:35 am our world began to change......
I was in my last semester of nursing school, something that was a challenge in itself. I had always wanted a child and had dreamed of how it would be. But sitting in the doctors office in the beginning of February hearing about all the bad things that could happen scared me to death.
I have what is called a bicornuate uterus aka heart shaped uterus. Our sweet baby would only have about half the space of a normal pregnancy. The risks associated with this was miscarriage, second trimester miscarriage, and preterm labor. I knew the risks and we were ready to take whatever God had in store for us.
After 28 weeks came and went we thought that everything was going to be perfect. I had spent my whole pregnancy worrying and finally decided to enjoy what was left........which I figured would be at least 10 more weeks. I had been having high blood pressure and swelling since about 24 weeks but the doctor never seemed concerned and kept putting me on modified bed rest. Being a Nurse I knew that it was probably something worse than a little hiccup in the pregnancy but I just wanted to be "normal".
When I reached 30 weeks it all started to go downhill, my blood pressure was elevated daily and my poor body was swollen all the time. I knew that pregnant people swelled but this was insane, there was no way my feet or legs would ever look the same again.
I had at least 2 appointments each week where the doctor kept saying things were fine......at 32 weeks I began to really worry. I was so swollen my face hurt and my blood pressure was so high that I knew I needed someone to listen. We had an ultrasound done to check on the baby and all was well with our sweet girl, what a relief! But now I was on modified bed rest again...for the 4th time.
On September 2nd (33 weeks) I had made an appointment and demanded that I get tested for pre-eclampsia.....I knew this meant urinating in a jug for 24 hours and I was ready. So off I went with my jug, found some great movies and made a home on the couch.
I started collecting my urine at 9:30 am on Friday, September 2nd and on Saturday, September 3rd at 9:30 I was done. I felt accomplished and thankful that I would have answers. I headed upstairs to get ready for the day and take a shower......but at 9:35 am our world began to change......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)