We have been married for almost 9 years and I can say it hasn't been easy but it has been worth it. There is no one I would rather have spent the past 9 years with and no one I can imagine raising Maelee with. When no one else understands or sees what I see....Lee gets it. He may not say much, he may just nod his head, but I know that he supports me 100% and has always supported me.
During the past 20 months our lives have been turned around in a million directions. I can say that this is the hardest situation I have ever been dealt, we have been dealt. As a family (Lee, myself, and Maelee) we are stronger today than we ever have been. Many people have asked me if I ever loose faith. This is a very loaded question but the answer is simple; no.
I know that having faith is something many say they have. But I can honestly say that my faith is stronger now than ever. I may not go to church every weekend, I may not talk about God all the time, and I may not shove my faith in your face. But my walk in faith is strong and personal. I will never forget learning we were pregnant and being told we may never meet our child. Many do not know that about us, many had no idea, but my faith carried me through. No I don't believe because I have faith that I carried my pregnancy that long, I know that my faith is what got me through 33 weeks of worry and knowing that I could not change the fate of things but had something to lean on.
You see faith is a personal thing, it's a crazy thing, it is the thing we turn to when no one else understands and when no one else gets it. I don't think God made my child with special needs because I was strong enough to handle it. I believe that I am a strong person and have relied very much on my faith to carry me through. God doesn't give special needs children to the strong people only......it happens and you have a choice to pick up and carry on or let the situation take over.
Faith can mean many things to different people and that is the amazing thing about it. But each of those people will tell you they believe that something is helping them get through, whether it be God, Allah, nature, or another being. I will not sit here and write all my beliefs out because I know that we live in a diverse world and that is a wonderful thing.
My faith has been tested many times but it has never wavered. Over the 9 years I have watched my child fight for her life, have her heart start failing, diagnosis after diagnosis, loss of jobs, sister who fought cancer, career changes, financial instability, family drama (oh the drama), parental divorce, death of loved ones, the list could go on. My faith has never wavered. If you ask me if I feel cheated, tested, or upset with God ever....the answer is yes. I would be lying if I said I never sat here and questioned why things are happening. If anyone ever says "Oh no I was completely fine with my child's early birth and being on a ventilator because I have faith"....they are lying. I questioned God, I questioned why this would happen. But I knew that it would be "ok"....but the definition of ok may not be my plan but my faith will carry me through.
Maelee is a very special little girl and I am thankful we have her in our lives. I am thankful she is happy, loving, kind, and has a wonderful sense of humor. I am not thankful she has CP, PLMD, RLS, allergies, spends her days in therapy, and possible asthma. I may not be thankful for those things but I have accepted them and turn to my faith to help me understand the challenges she has been given. Our hope is to raise her in a way that she doesn't feel wrong for questioning but at the end of the day understands God will see her through.
So yes I am mad about things, angered sometimes, and frustrated. But those are the days that will pass and we will continue this journey. God will be there to listen when no one else is and guide me to continue to push on when I just want to give in. Maelee is my motivation, inspiration, and the reason we push forward every day! She is a big part of my faith. And I am blessed to have her just the way she is.
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